either all or nothing
by wyverna
Summary: "Music is like making love: either all or nothing." This is what may have happened if Quinn had never got pregnant, but Rachel had. Spoilers for the whole series.
1. Chapter 1

Quinn has had sex. Everyone knows; it was difficult not to when it was announced to the glee club. Quinn had sex and it was something nasty for her to be ashamed of; something for her to hide and lie about (although, Rachel can't help thinking, she did have sex with Noah Puckerman, and there was a reason why Rachel herself said no to him). It's all anyone talks about at glee for weeks, an undercurrent of a whisper, the s and x running together until all Rachel can hear is a vague hiss. It's not in any key that she recognises.

It reminds her of chastity club, about how saying it out loud got rid of some of the power that it had over her and she wants to circle Quinn's arm with her hand, toss her hair and smile brightly and say, "So, how was it for _you_?" She wants to get rid of this mystery surrounding it, remind everyone that it's natural, she wants it to be something that people can talk about out in the open. Rachel has questions, like everyone, and she can't ask her dads - it'd be so much easier if they could sit together, gossip-y and fun, and talk about whether or not it hurts and did Quinn like it.

Anyway, Quinn isn't like that and Rachel doesn't want to be like that, either. Not really.

* * *

She looks at his face, smiling and warm, and reaches out a hand to trace the contours of his cheek. His arms are on either side of her, and she feels safe and secure, hidden safely away in a fort. It's easy to lean up and kiss him, easier than it had ever been with Finn, and -

She can't have sex with him. It just doesn't feel right. Rachel is a great believer in only doing things if they feel right, if she has full confidence in them, because she's not a second-guesser and she doesn't allow herself regrets. Make a decision and stick to it, because that's what all the greats do. Rachel doesn't have time to regret things - she's moving forwards, not back, but she's not ready to move quite this far forward with Jesse.

She thought he'd understand, for a moment, but he's the same way and his decision is that he wanted to sleep with her. And it's difficult, really, because Rachel is just like anyone else - she has _needs_ and feelings, and she is very aware that Jesse's hand on her leg is rough and warm and sending shivers through her body, but she is also aware that she hasn't planned for this and it would not be under her control, if it happened.

"Are you okay?" he says, and she says, "I think you should leave." He doesn't argue.

* * *

The second time, Rachel thought she was ready.

It was going to be so simple: they were going to have sex, and it would probably be incredible and tender and mindblowing, all at the same time, and maybe she'd sing about it afterwards, something about how she was growing up. (She doesn't think about how they haven't even exchanged _I love you_s- some things, Rachel thinks, don't need to be said. Not, of course, that she'd complain if he did say it.)

And they _do_ sing - _Like A Virgin_, along to the radio, and there's something so wrong about seeing him sprawled out on her bed, looking comfortable and inviting and with _that_ smirk playing on his lips and - she wants him, so badly. More than Finn, she never really wanted to have sex with Finn, Finn was _safe_. Jesse looks dangerous and raises an eyebrow as she looks at him, one of her hands playing absently with the tie on her capelet.

He's already got so much of her, she can't give him everything. Not yet.

Afterwards - after she forgot her resolve and everything that wasn't _him_, after the arguments and the lies and the truth, after he pushed her hair back behind her ear and said, "You sounded a little off-key there," and she _knew_ - after all of that, he reaches out and curls her softly into his side. He's humming _Everything I Do_ under his breath and she harmonizes instinctively.

"I'd fight for you," she sings, like it's a secret.

"I'd lie for you," he sings, like it's a promise.

* * *

When Rachel misses her period, she knows. It's not something that she realises a few days or weeks later; that would be careless, for one thing. Rachel's periods have always come as regular as clockwork, one after another, and she marks off the days on her calendar with a Sharpie. So when the day rolls around and reaches for the tampons automatically, it takes her a moment or two to realise that they're not needed. Not today.

As much as she likes to pretend, it is impossible for Rachel to be in complete control of her own body all the time, so she reluctantly accepts that sometimes these things happen. It's happened before; a day or two here and there, and she's too much of a professional to allow it to throw her off sync. She slips a discreet tampon into her purse anyway, because it may be delayed by only a few hours after all, and resolves to put it out of her mind. Besides, there are more important things to worry about, such as achieving the perfect note on her new glee club solo.

She checks again at lunch, because it's a Tuesday and she doesn't want her white underwear to be spoiled, but there's still nothing. Frowning a little, she washes her hands and starts to go to the cafeteria, trying to count back in her mind to make sure that she's been entirely accurate in her monthly predictions. It would seem so, but Rachel is not infallible - not outside of her performance skills, that is - and it is possible that she may have made a mistake.

She doesn't mention it to Jesse, when he picks her up after school. There's no point, after all.

* * *

Rachel is a lot of things but stupid is not one of them and so, when she misses her second period, she knows that it's only sensible to consider all of the possibilities. Pregnancy is one of them. She also knows that if she's going to go through something like this then she's definitely not going to do it alone, and calls Jesse before her hands have time to start shaking.

"I need to inform you that you may have fertilised me," she informs him, and he doesn't say anything. "As a woman, I don't think this is simply my responsibility and so I am sharing the burden with you. Although I must admit, I do not know this for sure yet either way. So you should come over." She waits a few beats and adds, "And if you could buy me a pregnancy test or five well that would be simply lovely thank you goodbye."

She allows a few tears to escape but doesn't burst into full on sobbing, because her eyes would be red and her nose looks simply terrible when it's swollen. Instead, she folds her hands and sits calmly on her bed until Jesse arrives. He's not taking the stairs two at a time, and the first thing he does is sit next to her and put an arm around her, allowing her to relax slightly into his touch - relax for the first time in what feels like weeks.

"Remember, we used protection," he points out softly.

"I've seen _Friends_, okay, I should have known that a condom is only 97% effective," she snaps back, not moving from the comfort of his side. "I should have been on the Pill, I should have planned it more. It was stupid of me not to. If _Quinn Fabray_ can stay child-free, I really refuse to see how I can fail."

"You can be like Juno," Jesse says instead. "We can sing _Anyone Else But You_, and not sound pitchy."

Rachel lets out a laugh that turns into a sob and picks up the bag that he dropped on her lap. As well as the five pregnancy tests she'd asked for, there's also a block of chocolate and aMamma Mia! DVD. She glances at him, surprised, and he rolls his eyes. "I hate it and find it an affront and insult to the stage musical and to humanity, but I know you enjoy singing along to the greatest ABBA hits so I thought I'd pick it up anyway." He manages to make it sound like an insult, and she flings her arms around him and kisses his cheek, not even minding when he gently pushes her away with one hand and says, "Careful, Rachel, haven't you learned?"

It brings her back to reality with a jolt and she stands up immediately, tossing her hair over one shoulder. "I don't appreciate comments about my potential condition, and I'll thank you to keep them to yourself in future. You may not only offend me, but also a possible child - a mix of us both, if you will."

"You know I don't - want it to happen like this," Jesse says suddenly, sounding much younger than he is - sat on her pink covers, surrounded by bags and a DVD and the thought of UCLA bouncing around between them both. "But -" he breaks out into a wide grin, "Imagine the vocal potential of our child. It'd be, like - a superstar."

They watch the two blue lines creep across the window together, and Jesse squeezes Rachel's hand.

She turns to him, eyes wide, and wails, "But what will I do about _Nationals_?"_**  
**_


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks so much for all the feedback! It's awesome! I tried to reply to some of you but I wasn't sure if I did it right so - sorry. Seriously, thank you all so much for all the reviews, it made me so happy. Oh - and I had some problems with the formatting on the last one, so even more thanks for reading it and getting through it, with the constant italics and lack of line breaks. Hopefully I've got that sorted now. Here's the next chapter.

* * *

The first thing that Rachel thinks is that there is no way she can abandon this baby. She's sensible enough to consider her options, at least, but she doesn't want to give the baby up. Not even for adoption. It's just - it's a stupid choice, and she feels sick when she thinks about giving up her dreams for a _child_, but - she's grown up never knowing her mother, and she's not any less for it, but she doesn't want that for this _thing _inside her. She doesn't want to be another Shelby, unhappy and cruel and full of regrets.

But then she sleeps on it and, as always, second thoughts follow first. Rachel doesn't want to resent this baby, either (she thinks about it as just a bundle of cells, for a split-second, but - it's not, it's more than that already). And maybe, _maybe _she could give it up for adoption - because, if she met the couple first. If they wanted the baby badly enough, more than she did, because she can't give it a real life - and the thoughts just whirl around and around in her head, with no real conclusion, because whatever she picks, she's going to be giving something up. Something she wants. Something she'll regret.

Wrapping her arms tightly around her stomach, she leans back against her bed and tries to decide what to do next. Rachel isn't used to being confused; she's had her entire life planned out since she was six. (Obviously, a baby never really figured in the equation.) This isn't something that she can plan, it's not something that she can explain away or utilise or manipulate _not_, of course, that Rachel is a manipulative person. Of course not). It's just - something that she's never come across before, and for once she has no idea where to start or what to do or how to deal with it.

The phone rings; once, twice, and Rachel waits a split-second longer before answering it. It's always good to make them wait, of course. No matter who it is, Rachel always presents the image that she is busy and in demand, but also available. It's a conflicting image, true, but Rachel's worked hard on it and she feels that it's professional. So - two rings, and she answers.

"I was thinking - you should see a doctor." She smiles instinctively at the sound of Jesse's voice - none of this is his fault, or rather, it is, but no more than it is hers. Besides, it'd be stupid of her to get angry at him. Then she'd only have to do this whole thing alone, and that is not something that Rachel thinks she's strong enough to do. Not right now, anyway.

"You're probably right. I'd like to avoid my family doctor, at least for now, until we decide on the best course of action."

"I don't want you to take this the wrong way, Rachel, but I have to ask - have you considered all of your options?" Jesse's voice is smooth and reassuring, and she doesn't feel anything when he asks her that. One of her arms tightens around her stomach.

"I can't - I won't get rid of it, Jesse, I can't, don't ask me to do that. It's - I can't abandon it, a little baby, just like I was." Her voice cracks at the end, and she's clearly more emotional than she'd realised - still, actors _are _passionate people by nature.

"Okay. Shh, Rach, it's okay." It isn't, though. It really isn't.

* * *

They go see the doctor together and he holds her hand all the way through, fingers white and strained where they're wrapped tightly around hers. He's as scared as her but he's not saying anything, and she can't decide if she's happy that he's being strong for her (because she needs it right now, she really really needs it right now) or if she wishes that he'd show it. She decides that she's just happy that he's here.

The doctor doesn't even raise an eyebrow; young, pregnant teens are not uncommon in Lima, although Rachel never dreamed that she'd find herself counted amongst their number. He _does _say, "And it's Mr and Mrs...?" and Jesse doesn't hesitate to reply with, "St. James."

Rachel asks him about it afterwards, sat next to him in the front seat of the car, and he shrugs one shoulder without replying.

* * *

He rests his mouth against her stomach, his breath ghosting over her skin, and sings _I don't care what nobody says, we're gonna have a baby_. He grins up at her, deliciously wicked, and she shivers a little bit.

"At this point, it is only a bundle of cells and therefore doesn't even have ears," Rachel points out, paraphrasing her research from the Internet and ostentiously not mentioning the word _baby_.

Jesse's grin widens. "Rachel Berry, you, of all people, understand the importance of music at a young age. It needs to be exposed to good influences as soon as possible and, as a relevant musical theater song escapes my mind at this time, I see no problem with the introduction of Kings of Leon."

Rachel opens her mouth to complain again, mainly because she just feels crotchety and tired and why should Jesse be the one who gets to sing, anyway, but his breath tickles her once more and he hums lightly over her skin. She feels it reverberate all the way to her toes, the buzzing feeling tingling, and he shoots her a triumphant smirk as she slides down a little to get comfortable.

"She's gonna have my baby. I'm taking all I have to take; this taking's gonna shape me."

* * *

It's not so bad when he's with her, when she can feel like it's them against the world, like as long as they're together then everything's okay. She can feel like she's in a movie or Broadway production, like she's young and strong and standing in the spotlight. But sometimes Jesse isn't there, and it's just Rachel, and suddenly being solo isn't as much fun as it used to be. They haven't discussed anything properly; UCLA hangs between them, unspoken, and there's still a coil of guilt deep inside her that expands and twists everytime one of her dads smiles at her or asks her if she's feeling okay.

On days like that, Rachel burrows deep under her covers and watches My Fair Lady, pretends she's Eliza Doolittle. She memorises the script of RENT, reciting the lines over and over until she can think of nothing else. She watches Moulin Rouge and envies Santine, beautiful and unafraid. People at school are starting to notice - not that she's showing, thank goodness, and she doesn't even want to _think _about any part of her body changing in any way (the thought of a baby bump seems so repulsive, all stretched and round) - but she's not sleeping properly, dark circles under her eyes, and Jesse is rarely without a protective arm curled around her shoulders.

Rachel never thought pregnancy would be easy, never thought of it at all, but it's so hard and she doesn't know who to talk to. Her dads have never experienced this, obviously, and she scours musical after musical, searching for someone to learn from and identify with, unwilling to face the fact that somehow, they may finally have let her down.

"I'm sorry," Jesse whispers to her stomach one night, when he thinks she's asleep. "I'm so sorry."


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you so much for all the reviews! I love them all, and they really motivate me to write. Sorry this update has been a while coming, I hope you enjoy it!

* * *

Rachel has always had plans. She's always known exactly what to do - step by step into her future. For the first time, she's at a loss, and it's not a feeling that she's used to. Worst of all, it's not long before she'll start to show; she's well into her third month, and she's always taken care of her figure. The small bump is already beginning to show. She struggled to fasten her skirt properly the other day, and it took everything she had not to break down and cry. Luckily, Rachel Berry is a superstar, and therefore determined to deal with this in the best way possible.

Rachel makes a list. Lists have always served her well, in the past; there's no reason why they shouldn't do now. It just reminds her of things - a checklist of how many weeks she is into the pregnancy, which is important, and a reminder to remember to throw her tampons away every month - her dads keep buying them, of course, and they'd soon notice if the cupboard became full of them. Speaking of her dads, Rachel still hasn't told them. It's just - she doesn't want to, not until she's fully confident of her plans. Which is another thing. She's planned _around_ this baby, at the moment.

She doesn't want to give it away. She can't face the thought of another child growing up, believing that her mother didn't want her. But - Rachel isn't sure if she _does_ want this baby. A baby does not fit into her plans at all. So she wears loose shirts over skirts slung low on her hips and wishes for the first time that she was the kind of girl who'd never taken pride in her appearance. Of course, it would go against everything that she stands for, but it would be a lot easier to hide an incoming pregnancy. Nevertheless, Rachel is not going to let a slowly expanding stomach stop her from looking her best, so she continues to buy skirts in a bigger size and is secretly glad that her legs, at least, are still in shape.

"I just didn't think it was going to be like this," she says to Jesse, her head pillowed on his chest, and he squeezes her hand. She feels him sigh.

"Rachel, I don't want to pressure you, but we need to start making arrangements for whatever you decide to do. And if you do decide to keep it, I need to make my parents aware of this, as well."

She thinks for the millionth time how lucky she is to have Jesse. He must be scared, too - she wouldn't expect otherwise - but at least he's hiding it around her. She doesn't want to share fears or worries; she just needs him to be her support. And like always, he knows that. It doesn't make this any easier, not at all, but it's nowhere near as difficult as it would've been if she'd been doing it alone. (She thinks, absently, about what it would have been like with Finn or Puck as the dad; Finn would've been terrified into doing the Right Thing, and Puck would probably have left town after hearing the news.)

"I just don't know," she says, turning her head to speak the words into his clothes. "I keep thinking, but it's like the words are going around and around in my head. There's no perfect solution."

He reaches down to brush her hair away from her face without thinking, and she presses her face further into his chest. "I know. But the longer you leave it, the harder it's going to be. People are going to start noticing. Maybe we should speak to Miss Pillsbury."

Rachel sits up at this, sending him a narrow look. "Jesse, I don't think she'd be very helpful, do you? If the answer wasn't in one of her leaflets then she'd probably just talk to Mr Schue, and I doubt he'd allow me to continue in glee with the amount of difficult and taxing choreography."

"Point," Jesse allows, and his mouth quirks up at the corner. "What about your dads? Rachel" - cutting her off before she can protest - "you don't have to have it all figured out. We can go downstairs, right now, and tell them together."

It's not the way she had planned, but right now she can't think of a better option.

"I'm not singing _Papa Don't Preach_," she tells him severely, and he says "I'd never suggest anything so overrated."

* * *

They react as she knew they would, and she's smiling when Jesse leaves (mercifully, unhurt). They take her shopping for maternity clothes and rub her stomach and tell her stories about when her mom was pregnant with her (Rachel tries not to think about Shelby and instead think about _mom_).

"This isn't what I wanted," Daddy says, and he sounds a little like he's holding back tears. "But - I - _we_ just want you to be happy, Rachel. And if you decide to keep it, you know we'll give you all the support that we can."

"Are you okay, baby?" Dad asks, stroking her hair like he used to when she was little, and Rachel lets a sob out. "You've been very brave dealing with this all by yourself."

"I'm sorry," Rachel chokes out, and it's not what she meant to say at all but it's like a buffer's been released and the tears are flowing freely. "I just - wanted you to be proud of me."

"Oh, Rach," Dad sighs, and puts his arms around her properly, holding her close. "We will always be proud of you."

* * *

"Oh. Well. Um, I can't say that this is a situation that has happened before - in this school, I mean. Obviously."

Her dads agreed with Jesse, that telling Miss Pillsbury would be a good idea, and offered to go with her for support, but this is something that Rachel felt her and Jesse should do as a couple. After all, the baby is their responsibility and they should be prepared to deal with the consequences as adults. Besides, her dads made it clear that if she felt the need to come home afterwards, one of them would definitely be at home and waiting with a bowl of ice cream.

"She's about as useful as a highschool production of _RENT_," Jesse murmurs into her ear, and Rachel stifles a giggle. Miss Pillsbury _does_ look very flustered, it's true, but no more than when Mr Schuester happens to smile in her direction.

"Would you like to me to speak to the principal for you?" Miss Pillsbury asks, and Jesse leans forward.

"We appreciate all your help, Miss Pillsbury, but honestly, we just wanted to make sure that someone at the school was aware of it. I'm sure that things are going to get difficult once Rachel starts to show, and it'd be nice if you could keep an eye out in case of harrassment," he says smoothly, and Miss Pillsbury nods a few times. Rachel is rarely as thankful for Jesse as she is when he takes control, as difficult as that is to admit.

"Yes, of course, well, I'm sure that shouldn't be a problem."

"I love you," Rachel says once they're out of the office and she feels she can breathe again, holding tightly onto his hand and gazing up into his eyes. "I'm not sure if I've made you aware of that before."

He smiles - not the stage smile, but a proper smile, one she hardly gets to see but feels special every time it's bestowed on her - and kisses her forehead. "I return the sentiment."

It's going to get harder, Rachel knows, but sometimes it's worth it. Just for moments like this.


End file.
